Don’t get me wrong, I really do feel blessed. Aside from the sad passing of my mom, there were things that came into my life actually helped me out through some of the crap that happened at the end of 2009 and the beginning of this year. As if God decided to plaster on duct tape over my lips before complaints started pouring out of them.
I believe that like all women, I whine and complain when my life’s waaaayyy too fast-paced and later find myself in a rut where everything’s still, quiet and boring. So I decided to just stay in that place where things are coming at me left and right…that way, everything’s exciting. I got knocked down so many times last year and as usual I haven’t had enough time to breathe it all in.
Let’s recap shall we?
My mom got sick last year, and like all people who subconsciously know they’re about to leave this earth, she slowly said her goodbye to me. I had evening conversations with her about everything, and when I wouldn’t come up to see her she would mope about it the next evening. So I made it a point to sit by her bed while she watched her Korean soap operas every night so we can talk. And little by little I peeled off parts of my mother that I know I’ve seen before but never really studied. I miss those nights…I would give up all the sounds in the world if I could hear her voice again, telling me stories she’s told me a million times, and teaching me new lessons everyday.
At the beginning of 2009 I was hopeful of my job, loved what I was doing, even if it was a small company with a boss who threatened us now and then, I figured it wouldn’t be called work if it wasn’t the least bit challenging. I stayed, even if I hardly came home to see my mom anymore, or if I thought I didn’t get enough pay. Said boss particularly liked to make me feel bad for some weird reason, and decided that my dreams weren’t enough, that I didn’t know how to dream in the first place. Yeah…sure…He obsessively changed his mind about business processes and which way he was bringing the company and if everyone was with him or not. Our team specifically was thrown from the leaders of the pact to the ones who had to decide and fend for themselves. In the middle of the Recession we were made to think there were no jobs, no place for us in the corporate world or any office for that matter. I desperately held on to this specific job, thinking…I won’t get anything as good as this anymore, and then little by little they started to remove projects from under me.
A few months later I was forced to resign, they claimed my performance wasn’t great..even if I had handled a project that brought in a million to the company, and so many others that I never failed to deliver quality to the client. And even after I had left the company without a fight, they cheated me on my last pay and bonus. Sucked big time.
A month after that…I got a job, better pay, bigger company, better people. And all I can say to the royal family who owned the company I was previously employed with is …. UP YOURS!!!!!!
Late last year I met that guy…the one I randomly prayed for out of frustration one afternoon (in the shower)…I mumbled…“it isn’t sooo hard is it? smart, preferably with glasses, fun to be with, has the same interests, musician would be a plus..but not necessary…*sigh* I seriously don’t think it’s THAT hard.” I was in between two relationships that weren’t even actually relationships…more like…two people I literally forced myself to like (horrifying, I know).
But…I met him, finally, I met him. After the horrible broken engagement last 2008, crying over the past men in my life that I later realized weren’t right after all…after all the 10 streets, chapters, intersections, what have you…FINALLY.
And then…We lost mom.
Sometimes I get confused about what to feel…but I supposed all I have to do is go through the motions. Everything went into place, but I lost a really big part of my heart and my life.
Yeah, this is my life, it’s a huge mess of emotions, colors, grainy and perfect shots, sometimes it’s wide screen sometimes the borders fall off, but at least I’m never bored.